I am so sorry for how long it has taken me to get a post up. Thank you for emailing and asking about CJ. Thank you for praying faithfully for him even when you are not sure how he is doing. One reason I have not been able to get on is that I have been trying to spend more time alone with the Lord, more time alone with each kid, and more time with my husband. I know that sounds weird coming from a full time stay at home mom who homeschools all her children. But one thing I have learned over the years is you can live in the same house and spend day after day 24/7 with your children and never really spend time with them at all. Not quality time at least. So I have been aiming for quality time and that takes time. The other is just exhaustion that prevents me from being able to stay up and blog after they get to bed. So I apologize for not providing an update sooner. I took CJ to his appointment on Thursday and began to blog while we were there. I was not able to get it up at the time so I will finish it and add it below. It should bring you up to date on his treatments.
Thursday January 8, 2009:
We are at Pediatric Ambulatory for CJ's Intrathecal Spinal Tap and and increased dose of chemo. As I prepare to go in to the procedure room with him I begin to prepare my heart and mind with prayer and scripture. He is writing in his journal and as the procedure draws closer you can visually see his anxiety increase. I am realizing how much he is like me because he exhibits his anxiety by wanting to create order and peace around him. He begins straightening up the table in front of him and puting things away. As I watched him I remembered a bracelet I had bought him that says FEAR NOT on it so I pulled it out and gave it to him. He put it on looked at it. Then he relaxed and we waited. There is so much waiting!
Procedure complete! CJ slept soundly and I got through another spinal on my feet. I got a little nauseous this time when CJ did not fall asleep as peacefully as he usually does and the needle didn't go in smoothly at first like it usually does, but I began to pray and focus on God's Sovereignty and was able to relax. I felt a little tense as the procedure began and there was blood when there usually is none, but I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the first drop of spinal fluid begin to drip clear. Not that I would be able to visually tell if the cancer had spread to his spine and the fluids will still need to be tested, but somehow I feel relief when I see them drip clear. CJ slept for a long time after the procedure and the nurse administered the rest of his chemo meds while he was sleeping. We have grown close to her over the past few months and I know she genuinely cares for my son and my family. We also share the same faith and I was able to share with her a time God used her to speak to me to relieve my fears about the chemotherapy medications. A couple of months back, He had prompted her to suddenly say that the medicine CJ was receiving was made from a plant as she was administering the medicine through his port. I couldn't believe she had said it, because it was at a time I was struggling with different alternatives being presented to me from different directions that came down very hard on chemotherapy. It's a long story, but needless to say, she faithfully spoke what God placed in her mind not knowing it was specifically for me and it encouraged me in a tremendous way. In essence, God was saying to me, "I am in complete control whether CJ receives medication through his port in a hospital or homeopathic alternatives administered at home." I really needed to hear that at that time. And today I needed another reminder. I amaze myself at how easily I forget or venture away from a truth He has already established for me. New information comes my way and I suddenly question Him all over again. He did not need to send me that confirmation the first time through our nurse's comment that day, but He is kind and compassionate to our needs and struggles. He knows our fears and questions and when we surrender them to Him, He will faithfully answer even when we are hardheaded and need to hear it again, like I did today.