CJ is officially port free, chemotherapy free and cancer free!! Praise God!
I have not officially blogged about it because I have not been able to adequately describe the feelings that have followed the port removal and I certainly did not want to come across as anything but grateful. We are extremely grateful!
It has almost been three years since CJ was diagnosed with cancer. Three years! That is a long time! He was 9 years old. Now he is 12. He was a boy. Now he is a young man. This has consumed a large part of our lives. A surgery, a song, and a see-ya-later just felt so......odd. And if it is over....why does it all still feel so....incomplete?
Early on I wrote a blog comparing our experience to the phases of a hurricane. I realized this week that the description still fits. In the beginning all we could do was brace ourselves for the storm and hope for the best. There was no evacuation route. We did not know how much damage or loss we were going to suffer. Fear and anxiety defined that phase.
Before long we were in the “eye of the storm”. It was an eerie calm we experienced about half way through. It felt like a false sense of security considering the backside of any storm is typically stronger than the front. It provided a time of much needed rest but it was also the time frame that our eyes began to open to all the suffering surrounding us besides our own. Uneasiness and deep sense of sadness defined that phase.
Now the storm is over. It’s time to step outside and access the damage. The “aftermath of the storm”. How do I describe these feelings? Does it depend on how much damage was incurred? Does it depend on how long the storm lasted? Does it depends on how much was sacrificed along the way? I am not quite sure yet what feelings define this phase. Relief? Yes! Regrets? Some. Responsibility?...or is that a hint of guilt? Gratitude? For sure! Determination?Definitely!
The storm has brewed up a cocktail of emotions. The damage could be much worse but it could be better. Does that balance matter. There is always worse. What is more important to come out intact? Our bodies? Our hearts? Our Faith? Can I have all three or is that asking too much?
CJ's body and our lives may be moving farther away from the battle but my heart is still deeply entrenched there. Do I even want it back?
CJ grows stronger...poppa Enzo wastes away. So much irony. Should we celebrate life or prepare for death? Do both? How? Tell me how.
How do I access the damage? So far this is all I have........
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
(2 Cor 4:8)