There has been a little confusion about the date of the scans. CJ will have the MRI on Monday October 21st at 4pm.
A few people asked me why we didn't do it sooner and if it was a good sign that they were in no hurry. I will give you an honest answer.
When I called to make the appointment they offered me the very next day and a few others the same week. As I sat there looking at my calendar trying to find an open date, three (selfish) thoughts went through my head.
In no particular order:
First selfish thought: CJ has already given up enough for cancer. I won't do it on a day he wold miss something important to him. His schedule was full with things he loved.
Second selfish thought: I will not let anything cast a shadow or distract me on my son Brett's birthday. (A few years ago my father committed a tragic suicide on Brett's birthday and it took me until now to get my mind solely on the joy of my son's birthday and not the sudden loss. I wasn't willing to go backwards.)
Third selfish thought: If my life is going to change..... I am not ready until next week.
How's that for good reasoning and planning?
"Are you worried?" seems to be the question of late.
Yet, for the first time, thanks to the follow up questions and conversations, I realize we all define worry in different ways and I am not always being asked the same question each time. Some of us define worry as experiencing fear of what might happen. Some of us consider worry when something is consuming our thoughts to the point we are unable to concentrate on anything else or think positively about it. Some of us define it as being anxious. Look up the word worry and interestingly you will find many different definitions.
Here is my absolute favorite I found: (that was sarcasm for those that didn't catch my tone)
Worry is thoughts, images and emotions of a negative nature in which mental attempts are made to avoid anticipated potential threats. As an emotion it is experienced as anxiety or concern about a real or imagined issue.
Most people experience short-lived periods of worry in their lives without incident; indeed, a moderate amount of worrying may even have positive effects, if it prompts people to take precautions or avoid risky behavior.
Excessive worry is the main component of generalized anxiety disorder.
I just love the "mentally attempting to avoid anticipated potential threats" part. I don't know about you but my mental state and thought life is the least trusted part of my entire being. My thoughts are selfish (as demonstrated above), corrupted by my deceitful desires (Eph 4) and overwhelmingly negative and just plain wrong most of the time. That is why we are told to renew our minds. (with Scripture) I think this sentiment is right up there with my other favorite expression of "Following my heart" as if it can be trusted. I tried that a couple times too. Didn't go so well. So trusting my mind to protect me surely isn't going to happen.
My other favorite part of that definition (more sarcasm) is "worry may even have positive effects if it prompts people to take precautions". You just gotta love when something God plain out said, Don't do! Like ever! suddenly becomes something that can have positive effects in our lives.
I agree there are some things God said you can and should do in moderation with wisdom like; eating, drinking, exercising, working, and enjoying the fruits of your labor. But I can't find that said about worry anywhere in the Bible.
My definition of worry is much shorter. I define worry it as: "Not trusting God".
So if when I answer you,"No, I am not worried," you hear......"I don't think it will be cancer this time, or I haven't even thought about it too much, or I am not anxious about all the changes this could bring, or I have spent no time thinking about the what ifs and consequences of relapse That is not what I am saying. I am saying: No, I am not worried. I trust God with the result.
That said, many have asked how you can pray for our family and CJ as we wait and prepare for this MRI and the results. I would say pray however the Holy Spirit leads you. If you feel strongly to pray for negative results, please do. If you feel strongly to pray for wisdom for the doctors and those reading the scans, please do. If you feel praying for CJ's continued healing, please do. If you feel strongly to pray that God would grace my kids considering the mother they have, PLEASE DO!
For those that want to join me in prayer, I will share how He has lead me to pray although it hasn't been quite what I expected. My prayer has continually been this: (so far!) see note
"I pray for the result to be whatever would bring You the most glory in our lives."
I shared that I was praying this with CJ after he overheard me answer the question "Are you worried?" to see how he would react. And he said, "Wow, that's cool. Now, no matter what the results you will know God answered your prayer."
"Who of you, by worrying, can add a single hour to his life?"
Note: (so far) as stated above is my clause for "subject to change if the Holy Spirit allows". I am not that Godly. Just bound.