
Sometimes I seriously wonder why God is so faithful to me when I am so faithless to Him. I wallow in the murky waters of doubt, confusion and low expectations so often. I struggle to discern his voice and yet listen to the lies of the enemy so easily. Sometimes I think my faith and expectations of what God can do are so low that He must get a kick out of watching me be surprised over and over again.
CJ was recently invited to a Marlins game with a program called New Era Caps for Kids. This is a program that provides a signed cap for a child with a life threatening disease from someone they admire. Knowing CJ is a Marlins Fan, they matched him up with the Marlins and sent us to a game. We were told he would get to attend batting practice and there would be an on field ceremony where a player would come out, take some pictures with him, and sign his cap.
Although extremely grateful for the opportunity, I confess I was more than a little worried how the night would play out. I pictured CJ surrounded by half naked cheerleaders (that is being extremely generous on my part) and a player coming on the field who is indifferent to CJ's situation and just doing his job. I was worried the night would not glorify God and would misrepresent our ideals and values. I prayed silently on the way there that the cheerleaders would not be anywhere around. I asked God to give me the courage to politely ask them to step out of our family pictures if they were and the wisdom to know when to keep my mouth shut.
We arrived and were greeted by a Marlins representative who escorted us to the on field batting practice where we were told to stand behind the marked lines and watch. We were instructed not to call out to the players or seek autographs unless the players come over to us.
We watched for a bit and Hanley Ramirez walked over and signed some autographs. That was very exciting for the kids. As we stood there CJ said to me, "Mom, Brett Carroll just waved at me." I asked him which one was Brett Carroll and he pointed him out to me. At this point, all I knew about Brett Carroll was that, according to CJ, he could throw anyone out from anywhere on the field. (I thought that was a pretty impressive baseball statistic and one you don't hear very often) I also knew that I liked his name having my own little Brett. Add to that that he waved to my kid...and I was becoming a fan.
Another Marlins Rep standing close by heard us talking about Brett Carroll and asked if we liked him. I shared with the Rep my three fascinating reasons for liking Brett and he found them to be quite interesting. He even questioned me, "You like Brett Carroll because you like his name?" I told him that we have players we like for various reasons but in our family we tend to wait until we know what kind of person they are beyond their playing ability before we decide how much we like them. Promoptly, the Rep said, "I will tell you what kind of person Brett Carroll is.....he is a man of great faith and recently spent over and hour sharing his faith with me while we were on a road trip." Add that to my three fascinating facts and now you have a true fan!
As I stood there, I suddenly felt very strongly that the Lord was asking me to share with this gentleman why we were there. So I took a deep breath and told him why it meant a lot to me that Brett Carroll waved to CJ. I told him about the Cap for Kids program we were there for that evening and why CJ was chosen for it. We spoke about CJ's diagnosis and treatments.
This man, Peter Kahn, was obviously affected by CJ's story. His face registered compassion and kindness. He looked at CJ fondly and it almost made me cry. It wasn't a look of pity that I often see but a look of understanding. Through conversation, I came to discover that this gentleman had three sons of his own, all similar ages to our three boys.
Once again, we watched the batting practice and chatted excitedly with the kids. In an amazing gesture of kindness Peter said to me, "I can't make any promises but I made eye contact with Brett and hopefully he will be coming over when he is done." Trying not to set ourselves up for disappointment, we waited eagerly and hoped he would come. I told CJ that if he did come over he could offer him a Pray for CJ bracelet.
Brett did make his way over to the kids. CJ handed him a ball to sign and the first thing CJ asked him was while he was signing it was,"How did you get your arm so strong?" The first words out of Brett Carroll's mouth were, "It's all the Lord! It's a God given strength." CJ looked back at me with huge eyes. I smiled at him knowingly. At this point, I am a certified fan. They chatted a bit CJ handed him a bracelet and told him, "I heard you were a Christian like me so I wanted to give you this and ask if you could pray for me." Brett took the bracelet and said sincerely, "I sure will." We took some great pictures with him and said our goodbyes.
As we stood there, I had an opportunity to thank Mr. Kahn for initiating that meeting and we spoke a little about faith. Once again, I got the feeling the Lord wanted me to share more with him but I wasn't sure what. As we talked about CJ's illness and faith and he shared that faith was important and that "faith was faith." Not sure what he meant, I offered that my faith was in the Lord. He then shared that he was Jewish. A little late on the uptake as usual, I was beginning to realize God was busy at work in this situation. I explained to him that I was also of Jewish heritage and that I was a believer in Yeshua, Jesus, as my savior. I shared with him that my father is a Jewish believer as well. As we spoke, I remembered that he said Brett Carroll had recently shared his faith with him. I knew that God was definitely up to something in this man's life. Peter asked me if he could have a pray for CJ bracelet too. Honored that he would ask and accepting his offer to pray for CJ, I gave him a bracelet and we said our goodbyes.
As we were lead into a room to await the on field ceremony to begin, I was feeling a little rattled like I failed somehow to share what God wanted him to hear. I was really excited for CJ and so grateful God lead a Christian player over to us but it felt a little incomplete and I was inwardly wondering if I should have been better prepared to give an answer for the hope that is in me and once again found myself wishing for a second chance.
As we waited and cooled down from the intense South Florida heat our appointed representative came in with a bag of goodies for the kids. There was a t-shirt jersey for CJ and somehow before I even pulled it out I knew what number it would be....and I am sure by this time if you have been following this blog for any length of time you do too......you guessed it..... number 3. CJ's number! God continual reminder to CJ that He is with him. None of us were surprised but I will admit I was beginning to realize that God was more involved in this night than I originally expected. The Rep handed him a hat and reminded him to take it with him when he was called over to home plate so the player could sign it. We said thank you and were told to relax and wait until they came to get us.
While we were waiting, Peter Kahn unexpectedly walked in the room with a bat in his hands. He was looking for CJ. He walked over to him with the bat held gingerly in his hands and told CJ, " Brett Carroll came and gave this to me and asked me to be sure you got it. This is his personal bat." As he handed it to CJ we could see that is was still sticky from just being used moments before. We looked down at it and saw the handwritten inscription:
CJ was recently invited to a Marlins game with a program called New Era Caps for Kids. This is a program that provides a signed cap for a child with a life threatening disease from someone they admire. Knowing CJ is a Marlins Fan, they matched him up with the Marlins and sent us to a game. We were told he would get to attend batting practice and there would be an on field ceremony where a player would come out, take some pictures with him, and sign his cap.
Although extremely grateful for the opportunity, I confess I was more than a little worried how the night would play out. I pictured CJ surrounded by half naked cheerleaders (that is being extremely generous on my part) and a player coming on the field who is indifferent to CJ's situation and just doing his job. I was worried the night would not glorify God and would misrepresent our ideals and values. I prayed silently on the way there that the cheerleaders would not be anywhere around. I asked God to give me the courage to politely ask them to step out of our family pictures if they were and the wisdom to know when to keep my mouth shut.
We arrived and were greeted by a Marlins representative who escorted us to the on field batting practice where we were told to stand behind the marked lines and watch. We were instructed not to call out to the players or seek autographs unless the players come over to us.
We watched for a bit and Hanley Ramirez walked over and signed some autographs. That was very exciting for the kids. As we stood there CJ said to me, "Mom, Brett Carroll just waved at me." I asked him which one was Brett Carroll and he pointed him out to me. At this point, all I knew about Brett Carroll was that, according to CJ, he could throw anyone out from anywhere on the field. (I thought that was a pretty impressive baseball statistic and one you don't hear very often) I also knew that I liked his name having my own little Brett. Add to that that he waved to my kid...and I was becoming a fan.
Another Marlins Rep standing close by heard us talking about Brett Carroll and asked if we liked him. I shared with the Rep my three fascinating reasons for liking Brett and he found them to be quite interesting. He even questioned me, "You like Brett Carroll because you like his name?" I told him that we have players we like for various reasons but in our family we tend to wait until we know what kind of person they are beyond their playing ability before we decide how much we like them. Promoptly, the Rep said, "I will tell you what kind of person Brett Carroll is.....he is a man of great faith and recently spent over and hour sharing his faith with me while we were on a road trip." Add that to my three fascinating facts and now you have a true fan!
As I stood there, I suddenly felt very strongly that the Lord was asking me to share with this gentleman why we were there. So I took a deep breath and told him why it meant a lot to me that Brett Carroll waved to CJ. I told him about the Cap for Kids program we were there for that evening and why CJ was chosen for it. We spoke about CJ's diagnosis and treatments.
This man, Peter Kahn, was obviously affected by CJ's story. His face registered compassion and kindness. He looked at CJ fondly and it almost made me cry. It wasn't a look of pity that I often see but a look of understanding. Through conversation, I came to discover that this gentleman had three sons of his own, all similar ages to our three boys.
Once again, we watched the batting practice and chatted excitedly with the kids. In an amazing gesture of kindness Peter said to me, "I can't make any promises but I made eye contact with Brett and hopefully he will be coming over when he is done." Trying not to set ourselves up for disappointment, we waited eagerly and hoped he would come. I told CJ that if he did come over he could offer him a Pray for CJ bracelet.
Brett did make his way over to the kids. CJ handed him a ball to sign and the first thing CJ asked him was while he was signing it was,"How did you get your arm so strong?" The first words out of Brett Carroll's mouth were, "It's all the Lord! It's a God given strength." CJ looked back at me with huge eyes. I smiled at him knowingly. At this point, I am a certified fan. They chatted a bit CJ handed him a bracelet and told him, "I heard you were a Christian like me so I wanted to give you this and ask if you could pray for me." Brett took the bracelet and said sincerely, "I sure will." We took some great pictures with him and said our goodbyes.
As we stood there, I had an opportunity to thank Mr. Kahn for initiating that meeting and we spoke a little about faith. Once again, I got the feeling the Lord wanted me to share more with him but I wasn't sure what. As we talked about CJ's illness and faith and he shared that faith was important and that "faith was faith." Not sure what he meant, I offered that my faith was in the Lord. He then shared that he was Jewish. A little late on the uptake as usual, I was beginning to realize God was busy at work in this situation. I explained to him that I was also of Jewish heritage and that I was a believer in Yeshua, Jesus, as my savior. I shared with him that my father is a Jewish believer as well. As we spoke, I remembered that he said Brett Carroll had recently shared his faith with him. I knew that God was definitely up to something in this man's life. Peter asked me if he could have a pray for CJ bracelet too. Honored that he would ask and accepting his offer to pray for CJ, I gave him a bracelet and we said our goodbyes.
As we were lead into a room to await the on field ceremony to begin, I was feeling a little rattled like I failed somehow to share what God wanted him to hear. I was really excited for CJ and so grateful God lead a Christian player over to us but it felt a little incomplete and I was inwardly wondering if I should have been better prepared to give an answer for the hope that is in me and once again found myself wishing for a second chance.
As we waited and cooled down from the intense South Florida heat our appointed representative came in with a bag of goodies for the kids. There was a t-shirt jersey for CJ and somehow before I even pulled it out I knew what number it would be....and I am sure by this time if you have been following this blog for any length of time you do too......you guessed it..... number 3. CJ's number! God continual reminder to CJ that He is with him. None of us were surprised but I will admit I was beginning to realize that God was more involved in this night than I originally expected. The Rep handed him a hat and reminded him to take it with him when he was called over to home plate so the player could sign it. We said thank you and were told to relax and wait until they came to get us.
While we were waiting, Peter Kahn unexpectedly walked in the room with a bat in his hands. He was looking for CJ. He walked over to him with the bat held gingerly in his hands and told CJ, " Brett Carroll came and gave this to me and asked me to be sure you got it. This is his personal bat." As he handed it to CJ we could see that is was still sticky from just being used moments before. We looked down at it and saw the handwritten inscription:
"CJ, May the Lord give you strength! Praying for you and your family. God Bless, Brett Carroll Gal 2:20"
As Peter Kahn stood there with us, CJ looked at me as if to ask what verse it was and thankfully I knew it. As I recited it for him I was acutely aware that the verse was for Peter as much as it was for CJ. This is one of my favorite verses and I realized I was getting that second chance I had asked for to share God's words with him. Since I can not be trusted with my own words, God put me in a position to share His instead.
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me."
Stunned, we all sat around holding the bat and talking about how amazing everything had been so far. In our minds, the on field hat ceremony could not even come close to this. Having met a Christian player who we believed would honestly be praying for CJ, a Jewish brother who God is obviously seeking, and holding a bat with scripture on it from Brett Carroll would not compare to a hat signed by the most famous player in the entire MLB association. This is where I failed to realize that God does more than we can even think or imagine and our minds are so little.
Within a few minutes we were lead back out for CJ's on field ceremony at home plate where he would receive the signed hat. We asked our Rep if she knew who the player was and she said no. CJ was lead over to home plate by the Billy the Marlin Mascots (no cheerleaders in sight, praise God!) and we were asked to wait and watch from afar or watch the jumbo screen as it would all be broadcast overhead.
CJ was a little nervous when he realized he would be going alone but you can imagine how that just completely melted away as Brett Carroll stepped out of the dugout wearing CJ's blue bracelet. CJ was ecstatic! He looked at Brett and said, "I knew it would be you!" What he was really saying was that he was hoping it would be. They chatted, posed for pictures and Brett signed the hat. CJ had a smile from ear to ear. The rest of us watched everything from the jumbo tron just amazed at God. I wish I could adequately express our emotions and I hope I am faithfully painting a picture for you of that special night.
After the ceremony ended CJ walked back over to us and handed me the hat while boasting, "Wait until you see this!" The hat read,
I just stared at it and silently prayed, Father forgive me for doubting You or confining Your hand to 'religious' events. I realized again that God is so much bigger than I give Him credit for. He is faithful when I am not. He meets my low expectations with His highness. I was more than pleasantly surprised as He turned an event that I was worried would be secular and unedifying into a God glorifying evening. We walked out with a hat and bat not only signed, but signed with Scripture. Praise be to God!
There is so much more I could share with you about that evening and how God has been working since, but let's just say that since that night our family has been actively praying for Brett Carroll's career as well as for Peter Kahn to come to faith in the Messiah.
Last night Brett Carroll had the winning at bat that ended the game after trailing by 3 points for majority of the innings. He walked over to the microphone and praised the Lord openly twice on National Television. I pray for faith like that! God make me a faithful steward of Your word. And thank You for Your second chances when I fail.
_____________________________________________
Tomorrow CJ will go in for blood counts to see how he is reacting to the chemo. He has been feeling well and has recovered from the cold we all picked up in Orlando.
I ask for prayer as we continue to try to find out why he is still dealing with the limp, increased shakiness at times and just a general lack of muscle control that effects him overall. Although we hope and pray these are only side effects to the medications and will all correct itself in time, we will be seeing a neurologist in two weeks to follow up.
Lately I have struggled a bit as CJ has looked at me more often and said, "My stomach hurts." I have to allow that to bounce all over my heart and through my head and then just say okay and offer him water or send him to the bathroom. But I confess that the flashbacks and fear that these reactions will turn out to be regrets like they were when he got diagnosed is always with me. But what choice do I have? I can't run anywhere and find out if the cancer is growing again or affecting him every time his stomach hurts. I just have to trust in God, believe God knows and will reveal to me anything He feels I should know in His due time.
Thank you for letting me share our journey and thank you for your prayers!

Brett Carroll with CJ, Allie, and Brett

Peter Kahn and CJ after presenting the bat
Within a few minutes we were lead back out for CJ's on field ceremony at home plate where he would receive the signed hat. We asked our Rep if she knew who the player was and she said no. CJ was lead over to home plate by the Billy the Marlin Mascots (no cheerleaders in sight, praise God!) and we were asked to wait and watch from afar or watch the jumbo screen as it would all be broadcast overhead.
CJ was a little nervous when he realized he would be going alone but you can imagine how that just completely melted away as Brett Carroll stepped out of the dugout wearing CJ's blue bracelet. CJ was ecstatic! He looked at Brett and said, "I knew it would be you!" What he was really saying was that he was hoping it would be. They chatted, posed for pictures and Brett signed the hat. CJ had a smile from ear to ear. The rest of us watched everything from the jumbo tron just amazed at God. I wish I could adequately express our emotions and I hope I am faithfully painting a picture for you of that special night.
After the ceremony ended CJ walked back over to us and handed me the hat while boasting, "Wait until you see this!" The hat read,
Brett Carroll #25
Romans 8:28
Romans 8:28
I just stared at it and silently prayed, Father forgive me for doubting You or confining Your hand to 'religious' events. I realized again that God is so much bigger than I give Him credit for. He is faithful when I am not. He meets my low expectations with His highness. I was more than pleasantly surprised as He turned an event that I was worried would be secular and unedifying into a God glorifying evening. We walked out with a hat and bat not only signed, but signed with Scripture. Praise be to God!
There is so much more I could share with you about that evening and how God has been working since, but let's just say that since that night our family has been actively praying for Brett Carroll's career as well as for Peter Kahn to come to faith in the Messiah.
Last night Brett Carroll had the winning at bat that ended the game after trailing by 3 points for majority of the innings. He walked over to the microphone and praised the Lord openly twice on National Television. I pray for faith like that! God make me a faithful steward of Your word. And thank You for Your second chances when I fail.
_____________________________________________
Tomorrow CJ will go in for blood counts to see how he is reacting to the chemo. He has been feeling well and has recovered from the cold we all picked up in Orlando.
I ask for prayer as we continue to try to find out why he is still dealing with the limp, increased shakiness at times and just a general lack of muscle control that effects him overall. Although we hope and pray these are only side effects to the medications and will all correct itself in time, we will be seeing a neurologist in two weeks to follow up.
Lately I have struggled a bit as CJ has looked at me more often and said, "My stomach hurts." I have to allow that to bounce all over my heart and through my head and then just say okay and offer him water or send him to the bathroom. But I confess that the flashbacks and fear that these reactions will turn out to be regrets like they were when he got diagnosed is always with me. But what choice do I have? I can't run anywhere and find out if the cancer is growing again or affecting him every time his stomach hurts. I just have to trust in God, believe God knows and will reveal to me anything He feels I should know in His due time.
Thank you for letting me share our journey and thank you for your prayers!

Brett Carroll with CJ, Allie, and Brett

Peter Kahn and CJ after presenting the bat

CJ and his good friend Adam at the game