What a relief after worrying that every cough or sneeze would infect him. What a blessing after having been bottled up in this house for two weeks that he is free to go! He is hoping to at least be able to play his last game with his team this week! That will be one happy third baseman let me tell you.
Thankfully, we made it through the low counts without CJ getting sick and only one visit to the Emergency Room because of a fever. I was at youth group with Allie on Sunday night when Chris called and to let me know that CJ had a fever and I should head home. After everything that had happened the previous week, I thought he must be joking. He wasn't! After hanging up I remember just feeling frozen in time as I wondered what more could possibly happen.
Chris took him in late that night fully expecting an overnight stay. CJ did surprisingly well. He did not complain or question anything when we told him he had to go to the hospital. I think he has learned to roll with the punches, for lack of a better expression. Or maybe he was where I was by that point....to weak, broken, and sad to even put up a fight or shed a tear.
Once there, they immediately accessed his port and withdrew some blood for testing. After administering some strong antibiotic through the port, the fever had subsided and they allowed him to come home. This was a blessing considering most fevers require a 3 day minimum hospital stay. So we were grateful for the outcome.
As Chris and CJ were getting ready to go to the hospital that evening, the worry coming off of Chris was palpitating which only served to increase my anxiety. I contemplated where God was in all of this. It seemed like life was spiraling out of control. And I am not referring to my control mind you! I relinquished control of my life to the Lord a long time ago and prefer it much better that way. But these past two weeks I began to wonder whose control it was under. Was it under the control of the Lord who is close to the brokenhearted and who has numbered every hair on my head? The God I love and serve who will not leave me or forsake me and is interested in every detail of my life? Or was it under the control of the far off God who the world teaches is out there somewhere but doesn't come too close? As they were packing to leave for the hospital my mind replayed the last two weeks....
....First my dad and his wife found dead; then CJ's counts plummeted to almost nothing; then I became sick with a terrible throat infection at the worst possible time with CJ at high risk; then my daughter's cat was found outside all torn up from a neighborhood animal; then we received news about another death of a cancer child, and another relapse, and yet another one going home on hospice, and now......CJ has a fever and has to go to the hospital. I just stood there feeling defeated and exhausted, asking....God, are you in all this? Do you care? What more can we handle right now?
Even as I stood there thinking it, I had this sudden urge to check my email. It was almost like autopilot. It was almost 10pm, my husband and son are getting ready to leave for the hospital, CJ is getting his port numbing creme on, Corey is wanting to be put down to sleep, and I sit down and check my email....strange! Within seconds I knew why I had checked it. God answered my question and calmed my anxious heart before the thought could take up residence in my mind. Yes, God sends emails my friend! (But just so you know, he makes no promises or threats whether or not you forward them or not to 15 people so don't confuse His with those.)
I sat down and there was only one email. It was from my friend Becky who had served me a meal that week. I had emailed her earlier to thank her for the great meal and to thank her for the cough drops she dropped off with the dinner. You see, I had a nasty sore throat on Thursday night and could not sleep. I asked Chris to look for some cough drops but we did not have any. We always have cough drops! Not this time. Nothing! I was hurting but took some medicine and went to bed. Then Friday I had to handle some banking issues for my fathers estate. I wanted to stop at some point while I was out to get some cough drops but my emotions were still so raw that I could not bring myself to enter a store and face a cashier in fear that I may burst out crying right there in line. So instead I did the banking and went home.
When I walked in the door that evening, the dinner my sweet friend delivered was on the counter and right next to it was a bag of cough drops. I saw them and immediately said, "Cough drops!" as if I had spotted gold. Chris said they were dropped off with the food, to which I replied, "How did she know I needed cough drops?" Chris answered, "I thought you told her."
As I sat down to read the email from my friend, my heart soared as she explained how the cough drops were actually for her husband. She stopped to pick them up for him but had "accidentally" left them in the bag when she dropped off the food at my home. After realizing what she had done, she was too embarrassed to come back for the cough drops so she had to stop again and buy more for her husband. She had NO CLUE I had a sore throat and was desperate for cough drops. It was that word I don't believe in....coincidence. Amazing that just when I was asking God if he cared about all these disasters happening in our life, he answered by saying..."My sweet child, I care! I care about every detail. I even care about your sore throat! I sent you cough drops. And if I care about your sore throat, then I certainly care about your son's fever, your daughter's cat, your dad's death, and your families broken hearts."
Thank you Lord that although I accuse you of being far off and for lack of faith I question your Sovereignty, you still come near to me anyway. Thank you that you don't treat me as my sins deserve. Thank you that you protected CJ from getting sick while his counts were down. Thank you that his counts are back up. And thank you for the cough drops!
Thank you all for your prayers for CJ and our family. Keep praying! Please pray that we will get CJ back on the correct dosages of all his meds so he can complete this last year of chemotherapy on schedule and according to his treatment plan. Please pray fervently that this cancer never comes back. Please also pray for all the kids battling this deadly disease. Brave 9 year old Truman who just had his leg amputated in an attempt to save his life from this disease, and barve Sam who is recovering from his amputation, and Amanda who is now home on hospice, and Ji whose bone marrow transplant failed and is still fighting for his life, the 5 families we know of who already said goodbye to their precious children this month because of this cruel disease, and so many many more. You know, I am really starting to hate this disease. I never used to give it even that much emotion because I did not want it to have any piece of me but I REALLY, REALLY HATE Cancer, and I am becoming thoroughly convinced it is authored by Satan. It is just like him...deceptive, destructive, and deadly.
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