Monday, October 5, 2009

I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. But I am also convinced those things will try like hell to anyway.

As CJ lies in the next room struggling with his stomach, after having thrown up, I sit here struggling with guarding my heart and mind and clinging to the peace that passes all understanding.

We were doing his school work this morning when the routine we face almost everyday began..."My stomach hurts, mom." As part of the routine and for lack of knowing what else to do, I typically send him off to the bathroom. Usually this will solve the problem and we will continue through our day with minor complaints of stomach problems on and off. Some days are better than others. I confess, this creates an uneasy sense of Deja Vu for me as I flashback to last September just before he was diagnosed. School time was full of bathroom breaks, stomach aches, and bowel issues. I remember sitting at the table one morning, unable to complete a lesson because he was on his third trip to the bathroom and demanding, 'This is not normal'.

Today, as usual, I found myself half way through a math lesson when he declared his stomach hurt and off to the bathroom he went. When he returned, we continued our lesson. As I taught him I was fighting conflicting thoughts and emotions the entire time. They go like this.....

"What difference does any of this make? He has a problem, Dawn. Who cares about math and memorizing the prepositions or Latin 1st and 2nd declensions. Let him enjoy whatever time God has given him. It is limited."

Then my rational side reasons, "All our time is limited, yet we must work and live. Besides, he may very well live a long and healthy life. He will need to know how to do math."

Then the other side follows up with, "Imagine how you will feel if he relapses again, or worse, he is not here a year from now and you wasted all this time doing school while he wasn't feeling well."

Rational side, "Imagine how you will feel, if he lives a long healthy life and you did not teach him how to conjugate a verb. Besides, what is the alternative? Sit around and play all day, or live in Disney World?"

Mind you, this all took place in my head in the small amount of time it takes to teach a lesson on measurement equations. All the while, I could see the sour look on his face and the obvious discomfort mounting. As his physical discomfort increased, my spiritual battle escalated.

Finally, I surrendered to the compassionate side that wants to throw all this school work out the window anyway and suggested, "CJ why don't you go lay down for a bit and when you feel better come back out and we will continue." Then I secretly asked God if I was doing the right thing? He answered as CJ threw up all over the bathroom.

Once again, the dialogue begins, "It is just a stomach bug, Dawn. Don't jump to conclusions".....
"No, there's something wrong with this child. Demand answers! You are his mother, be aggressive and find out what is going on."

So I sit here and share all of this with all of you not to admit I am crazy . That is undeniable. Instead, I boldly ask for prayer for CJ. I honestly struggle to do this because I am aware of so many other children in desperate need of prayer who are battling this monster called cancer. Yet, I realize God has provided all of you as CJ's prayer team and I humbly and gratefully accept.

Tomorrow he will see a neurologist and I just ask that the Lord will provide her with wisdom and exceptional insight into his little body. Please pray that we will articulate his struggles clearly and that some light will be shed on his struggles. My heart says that they are all interconnected somehow. His speech issues, his walking issues, his shakiness. They are all signs of a lack of muscle control which lead me to suspect the control center, which is the brain. I have the same desperate feeling in this area that I had before he was diagnosed and I knew there was something more wrong with this child than anxiety and back pain.

Thursday he has chemotherapy, a spinal tap, and intrathecal (chemo injected directly into the spine). Please pray that this stomach issue will be resolved before then and will not interfere with his chemo. Pray that I will articulate clearly to the doctors the struggles I am seeing in him.

Thank you is not enough, yet it is all I have. Thank you for your prayers for this child; my child, God's child.


On a lighter note....CJ performed in a talent show this Sunday evening. He was an actor in a dramatic skit set to the Casting Crowns songs, Here I go Again. This song is about fear. Specifically, fear in witnessing to our friends. It talks about how we allow fear to hold us back as we dance around the truth, knowing time is not their friend.

This skit holds a special place in our hearts and was a blessing to see complete and performed by CJ, his little brother, big sister, and friends, because CJ and I wrote this skit on the way to chemotherapy last year. We were discussing fear and this song came on. It seemed like God just gave us the skit. When the skit originated in our minds, we had fun discussing it and talking about all the characters, but I honestly did not even know if CJ would be here to perform it. I thought maybe it was just meant to be a distraction for the fear of chemo. It sat on the shelf of our hearts for a while until the opportunity of the talent show came up and we started practicing. What a joy to see it come to fruition. Even more so, to hear CJ pray yesterday that he wants be more bold with his friends on his baseball team just like in his skit. I know I personally experienced conviction as I watched it performed and the Lord brought specific people to mind that I have danced around the truth with.

Thank you again for allowing us to share our lives with you this way. Please pray for the above requests. I will try to post the video of the skit here or attach a link to it.


Amy Derrickson said...

Hi Dawn,
I'm so sorry to hear that CJ's stomach is bothering him again to this degree. I agree that the other symptoms he has (speech, muscle control, limping, etc) are very disconcerting. I continue to pray fervently for CJ's healing and for strength for your entire family.

On another note, it sounds like you guys are doing cc this year. We are as well, and I am really thankful for the program.

Please know that my heart is with you, aching along side yours with your pain and rejoicing with you for all the opportunities God has brought to your family through this trial. I pray that your appointments and chemo treatments go well this week and that God will give you and CJ's doctors some answers regarding his current condition.

Much love and blessings to you, my sister in Christ.

Unknown said...

Hello Dawn,
Thank you for sharing your struggles and victories. It must be very hard to witness your son go through so much discomfort. I hope your visit with the neurologist went well. You are so right regardless of what our flesh experiences here on earth or what our loved ones may experience here on earth...we are never separated from God's love. My prayers are with you.
Your friend,

Janet said...

Hi, Dawn. My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine what you're going through. I will be praying for you and CJ, my friend.
Janet s

Kevin Abegg said...

Chris, Dawn, CJ and all. Thank you for continuing to comunicate both your faith and struggles as you follow the Lord through this process. I pray that the chemo, s. Tap and everything goes well today and for both peace and understanding reguarding the stomach pains. The kids did awesome in the skit. Both Claudia and I had tears in our eyes long before they were done! The George Family players are a talented group! God bless and be with each of you.
In His Hands;

Martha said...

Hi Dawn,

I will continue to pray for CJ, I am so sorry to hear that he is strugling with stomach issues, I can imagine how you feel, just keep trusting our Lord, he is with you, stand firm in his promises.

With Love,


Anonymous said...

Dearest heart goes out to my little niece as you struggle with your judgement teach or let him play? Being a mortal I have no words of wisdom, only that I pray for you and the kids every night hoping that we will have positive results against these trials. Love you, Aunt Penny

Anonymous said...

Isaiah 26:3-4 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal"...I pray that as all these thoughts throw you back and forth, that you would cling to the cross, and allow His perfect peace to calm you. Loida

Anonymous said...

What an awesome testimony. God has really given you a ministry. And all those things just "fell in place." Imagine that! Please know that each time you enter something like this that we are blessed much more than you could imagine. It is our privilege to be able to pray with you and your family and knowing God answers prayers. We agree together that these things are covered by the Blood and that you will see not only healing, but also restoration for "our" guy. Bless you C.J. for being so faithful and letting God use you to be a blessing to many others.
Love and prayers,
Mary and family.

Ily Figueroa (Heartsyearbook) said...

Hi Dawn & the whole gang,
As I sat here and read your story it too took me back. But than we need to remeber God's promiss. Satan is trying to mess with your thoughts. You are in a very important place for the Lord right now. Santan does not want you there. Put your trust in the LORD, Like you guys have done before.
Book of Proverbs 4:23
The most important thing is for you to be careful in the things you think. Your thoughts control your life.
I love you my friend and sister in Christ,
Call me so we can pray together.

Unknown said...


CJ is so strong and brave. He struggles with his stomach, but, sits and does his school work inbetween bathroom use. He is such a trooper. Your concerns are the same as many of us other mothers and christians would have if we were in your shoes. My heart breaks for you and CJ and the rest of the George family. It must be so hard to watch CJ suffer and yet not fully know what is going on with him. Just keep asking God whatever questions you have, He will answer. Don't give up and we won't either. We will prayer for CJ's healing and peace for all of you.

I love you sis,

Anonymous said...

As I sat here reading your blog, my thoughts were swirling around in my mind trying to make sense of this.I want to be able to say comforting words, a magical word to make it all go away, pray down complete healing for C.J. anything Lord anything to help this mother and father with this suffering.But as christians we know we wait on the Lord and his timing. It is like OH YEA THAT IS SO EASY TO DO kind of response, but in our reality as christians, it IS all we can do, and as a parent we fight for our child to have the health care our gut is telling us to do, and pray for Gods help. Will continue to diligently pray for our precious C.J. and all your family, and will lift my prays to the throne of our Father and to Jesus our interceder. Psalm13:2 5-6 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>A world full of love I send to you all.

Anonymous said...

Dear Dawn,

As I read your post so many thoughts went through my mind. I can feel your fears, and just cant imagine ... How and what do I say to try and comfort you, how do I put those feelings into words? I know that there is nothing we can say that can take all those feelings you have away, really make you feel better, or make CJ better. But we think of you and pray for all of you constantly. Lots of Love,
Nicole Ana and Alberto